How To Recognize the Warning Signs of Negging

It’s a modern form of psychological manipulation.

Pretend that this couple are in the throes of passion, but one has ulterior motives — Photo by Grish Petrosyan on Pexels

There have been instances where you meet someone who seems really into you — but gives you subtle back-handed compliments. Their comments are friendly enough to warrant a smile or two — but also give pause.

At first, you paid them no heed because they were extremely nuanced, but after a while, the pieces come together, and you’ve made the shocking realization, only to realize that the writing has been on the wall this whole time.

As a Registered Psychotherapist with a specialization in anxiety, trauma, and relationships, I’ve heard countless horror stories surrounding relationships, where people across the gender and sociopolitical spectrum speak about their experiences of “negging”. And before you ask, yes — I’ve had male clients report the same situations as well, even if the historical accounts of negging state otherwise.

The Definition of Negging

For the uninitiated, and according to the Cambridge Dictionary, negging is a rather peculiar flirting technique, where you gradually break someone down (with a slightly insulting comment) to increase the attraction between both parties.

If that doesn’t sound right, that’s because it’s not supposed to.

It’s considered a form of emotional manipulation, and a major red flag for you to either halt, tread carefully (if unable to escape) — or run for the hills (if you catch it early enough).

Healthy relationships are supposed to be unconditionally supportive (or at least close to it), mutually collaborative, harbour respect between both parties and not harbour an underlying hidden agenda of psychological manipulation.

Even if both sides don’t see eye-to-eye, compromises are within reason, especially with dedicated discussion and debriefing. After all, relationships are one of the largest investments you’ll make in life. We make light of them, despite knowing otherwise.

Negging Gradually Breaks Down Self-Esteem

Under negging, dark psychology is used to increase the likelihood of one party being controlled by the other side.